I'm upset with myself...

I feel like I'm not in it for standing up for life... I keep on making excuses and keep feeling sorry for myself... I have lots of anger in myself, I realized that from watching my favorite team lose tonight in the NCAA basketball tournament... It made me think do I want to step up to the plate and apply self-forgiveness 24/7 or just do it when I feel like it... I think I don't want to give up my life of wants and needs and emotional drama... I seem to feed off of my own emotions and this leads to distress many times... I feel like I'm failing miserably and that it's just my obligation to stand up for life, because I have to... I haven't really taken this process seriously and I'm sick of that... I'm tired of going back to the same old bull shit life... That I have already lived out many times... That is looking at porn almost every day now... Getting upset over stupid shit and even getting pissed off over stupid basketball games, that meaning nothing to "life." I'm not standing up for life or myself... I'm repeating the same old cycles of abuse towards myself... I know I'm sounding like a broken record now, but it's true... I'm a broken person... I wonder why should I stand up for myself and everyone else... If, many people out there are not going to stand up for life... I feel like this shit will never work... I am so frustrated with my life and myself... I feel like a complete failure and I feel like just ending my life... Yet, I know that would be the most ridiculous thing to do... It would be a stupid cop out... I keep trying to get the next fix to make myself feel good... I keep living in fear, anxiety, anger and what not... I look for something to make me happy instead of applying myself in every moment...

Self-forgiveness for 3-18-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset with myself for not playing that great during the basketball game... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this to bother me while I was playing basketball... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious while playing basketball...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder, what it would be like to have sex with Dixie... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have sexual fantasies towards Dixie... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to have sex... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need a g/f like Dixie...



laters

Self-forgiveness for 3-15-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for looking at porn and masturbating once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusted of myself for looking at such hard core porn and looking at porn in general... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself up for failure, by saying to myself I can look at porn without masturbating or feeling no attraction towards the naked women... When all I am doing is participating in temptation, which leads to me abusing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pissed off at myself for abusing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I will never get over porn and masturbation... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to give up on my process all together... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care what others might think of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation by existing in sexual fantasies... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use those naked women as a way to get off for myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the urge to masturbate... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have sexual thoughts in my head... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to stop these perverted thoughts... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I'm a filthy disgusting pervert...

Self-forgiveness for 3-14-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in sexual fantasies, which leads me not facing myself here and "now." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a pervert for indulging in porn and masturbation... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for all the cats and dogs that I try to help, at the animal shelter that I work at... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to comfort the cats and dogs... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to take a cat home with me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pissed off at the game, because the team I wanted to win lost... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset over something so irrelevant towards life...

Self-forgiveness on not getting the job...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a speeding ticket a while back, so now the driving agency won't let me drive for them... Since, I had to have a clean driving record for the past 3 years... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at myself and the driving company... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for not getting the job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed for not getting the job...

Self-forgiveness on hell and damnation...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself beLIEve in the lie that there is a hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my beLIEfs of hell in the past ruin part of my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that I will burn in hell or my family members/friends will go to hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going to hell and burning in hell for eternity... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating my own hell after I die and crossover to the otherside... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that I can create my own hell when I die... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not facing my true self in this life... Since, that is where all my underlying fears stem from... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reside in dishonesty towards life, and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself turn away from facing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to stop my thoughts of heaven and hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to stop my fears of hell and creating my own hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve the stories of near death experiencers of heaven and hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve in fairy tale endings of the afterlife and disaster tales of fire and damnation of the afterlife... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in polarity systems of good people only go to heaven, while bad people only go to hell... I forgive myself for suppressing so many fears of what others might think of me, which led to my fears of hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not reside in my true nature of living in equality and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from facing myself by beLIEving in false pie in the sky beliefs of heaven and false promises of eternal life in heaven... Which made me fear hell even more because, I didn't want to miss out going to heaven... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to damn myself for not being able to stand up for myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how stupid the theory of hell was... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be labeled as weird and which led to major anxiety and that turned into even more anxiety of fearing hell...

Self-forgiveness for 3-9-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset with the people that work for x-box 360... Since, they still sent me back an x-box 360 that doesn't work... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger towards the people that work for xbox... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down for not be able to play my xbox 360... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if, my friend Dixie thinks I'm good looking or not... I mean what good does that do for me to wonder about such egotistical bull shit... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show Dixie a picture of myself and my twin, so she could see how good my brother and I look... I'm so still into my beauty demon system... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stuck in the polarity system of beauty and ugliness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to porn once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat cycles of abuse of anger, resentment, and hypocrisy for looking at porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm above others especially people like Hitler... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see Hitler as inferior to me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel demons never deserved to get transcended from the demon dimension... The same I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Hitler doesn't deserve to be equal and one to me or anyone else... I forgive myself for not standing up for equality and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear demons and Hitler... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people that are serial killers as people that are evil and not worth the time of the day and deserve to get the worst treatment... This makes me realize I am just like the serial killer... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for not having a job still... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless for not having a job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm only doing this blog as a front(as in putting on a show) that I'm taking this process seriously... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with my own process of forgiveness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think all thoughts that arise from my CONsciousness are false or delusions... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior over others, because I follow my own process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and equality-oneness...