Big time orgy in my dream...

I must not be over sex completely, because I had a very sexual experience while dreaming... I was in a room with probably over 20 people... Mainly naked women and a few men... Yes, us men were definitely out numberd... This one girl asked me if, she could suck my dick... I was like sure go ahead... lol She was very attractive... She had nice curves and a voluptious big round ass... I was feeling a bit nervous though around her... Because she was so beautiful and plus the many other people in the room... So, that went on for a good while, that is her sucking me off... Then this one girl asked who would like to eat her out... I hesitated a little bit and said sure I'll do that for ya... It was wild there were many people there and they were doing the craziest sexual positions that I've ever seen... I noticed while I was eating her out, I was starting to go a little limp... This made me feel self-conscious about my penis... She said don't worry about it.. She said she'd make it all better... lol Which, she did she jumped right on top of me and starting making out with me... Than she turned over and told me to do her from behind... After that, I was pretty much done and came inside her... All the girls there made me cum a lot quicker...

Well that's all I can really remember... When I woke up I had tempations to go and get on a porn site... I with held my sexual urges though... So, that was great... I still must have some sexual frustration stored up inside of myself... I guess I might miss having sex a little bit....

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dream about having sex with women... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my dream to make me a bit sexually frustrated when I woke up... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I was done with thinking about having sex for good... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what I might dream of next time... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good while I woke up from the sexual dream... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of having such a sexual dream...

Self-forgiveness for 2-28-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder in my mind... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder about the past and future... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder what will happen when I die and crossover... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder how will I die... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have beliefs of aliens, demons, etc... I forgive myself for wondering if, aliens still exist... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if, I'll still have the same friends... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if, I will have a lot of money when I'm older... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder what if, the New World Order happens... I forgive myself for having beLIEfs of heaven and hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve my friends will not like my new true self... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder what people will think of my blog and how they will react... Especially, my family members and friends... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if, I'll lose more weight and go back to my old slender self... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I have a soul... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve my dog and I will never be separate... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if, people will find out my secrets... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing beliefs to shape the way I act and think... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing opinions to get me to react differently towards people... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for sleeping with my friends ex girlfriend... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sleep with my friend's ex girlfriend... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look back at the past and worry about the past... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the future... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder what I am going to post on my blog... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave differently around my friends, family, and society... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior...

Self-forgiveness on sex...

I haven't had sex in awhile... It's probably been around 6 months almost... This is probably the longest I've gone without having sex... That is since the age of 16, when I got into sex... The longest before that was when I was 20 and was going through the ignorant religious phase... Where I thought sex was only suppose to be for bringing life into this world and only through marriage... That phase went on for about 3-4 months long...

I could really care less about having sex now... I mean yes, I do have a problem of looking at porn though... Yet, I haven't looked at porn for about a week and a half now... I'm not as horny as I use to be, that's for sure!!! I definitely don't really see the need for sex... Because no girls around here are really, genuine girls... I don't want sex really either... There is no really craving for sex... Especially, since I know now that it's just a big mind fuck for just an orgasm really... I just don't really want a relationship and that's the only reason can see why I might want to have sex again... I don't want to be promiscuis (sp?) ... If, I ever have sex again, it won't be a one night stand... It will actually mean something...

I don't need a girl to please my emotional needs... I just need myself to be there for me... I am falling for my own self... Slowly but surely I am starting to see myself as love itself... I know love is just a concept, but you all know what I mean... I have myself so, there is nothing more amazing than that... I mean there are times I get a bit lonely... That only happens if, I'm around couples... I'm getting use to getting over that though... Sex to me really is just pointless and not worth my time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as something I need to do... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sex is something for just pleasure... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think sex is sinful... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve sex, is just for two people who love one another... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let sex run my life, while I was a teenager... I forgive myself for taking sex so seriously... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let sex ruin some of my relationships... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with sex... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let sex run my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave differently around people, when I talk about sex...

Forgiveness on shame, regret, and embarrassment...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in shame most of my life... For the very fact that I would always get nervous, or extremely embarrassed if, I had to speak up in front of people... Or just being in social situations, where I would get embarrassed or nervous... I know I was just afraid of change and losing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret many things I have done in the past... Like letting my dad down by quitting sports... Doing drugs, going to strip clubs, getting trashed to the point I almost died... I forgive myself for all of these things... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing embarrassment to control most of my life... Many times in my life, I have been embarrassed or humilated... When I was younger I pee'd my pants twice in school... This was very embarrassing and humilating... Embarrassment has plagued my life, like some type of cancer... I have many occassions where I have panic attacks in public places... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing embarrassment to plague my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame to reside within me for some of the things I have done... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have oral sex, with my one friend... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of having a gay guy give me a blow job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed for exposing those two incidents just now...

My self-forgiveness of the old "me."

I use to be considered somewhat of an outcast... I wouldn't really say I was a loner or an outsider, but I was definitely and outcast... I had friends they were mainly only guy friends though... I had a bout 4 to 5 close friends while I was in high school... So, I definitely wasn't a loner... I mean I probably would have had more friends, if I had gone to a bigger school... I went to a school of only 230 some high schoolers total... I wasn't really considered popular... I mean I hung out with the popular guys in my class, but I was the outcast of the group...I was kind of considered a jock as well... Yet, I was a nice jock and didn't pick on anyone really... I was definitely a pothead at the time... So, many of the girls thought I was some stupid pothead... Most of the girls didn't really smoke pot... So, it wasn't seen as something cool to do... Although, many of the guys in my class smoked pot... Yet, they kept it a secret and no one else ever thougth they would do such a thing... I myself could give a damn about what people thought about me... So, I would flat out tell people I smoked pot... I thought I was a bad ass for just not giving a damn and smoking marijuana... I was very laid back and quiet too at the same time... I could be very serious too... Especially, when it came to sports my first couple of years in high school... I was very athletic and played basketball, baseball, ran track, and played football... I started in pretty much all of those sports... I was popular with the girls... Although, it was the girls from other schools and what not... They thought I was very hot and athletic... So, this always boosted my ego up a notch or two... I would brag to my guy friends about the girls that would call me and tell me they liked me... I would also, brag about how good I was at sports to my friends... I was very cocky... I mean I wasn't a cocky prick though... Yet, I'm sure some of my friends probably thought I was ... lol If, anyone ever needed help or someone to back them up in a fight, I was there to defend... I mean that is if, they were my friends... I wouldn't back down from anyone... I thought I could pretty much kick anyone's ass... Especially, since I took it to one guy that was 6'2 265... And I at the time was only 5'9" and 160... I was a gym rat as well... I'd try to lift every day... I'd want to impress the girls... I wanted to be the biggest baddest guy in the school... I wanted to build my body up perfectly... I wanted myself to be pretty much all muscle... I was so self-conceited about they way I should look... If, I didn't think I was big enough, I'd work my ass off harder than ever before in the weight room... I always compared myself to other guys... I wanted to be bigger, stronger, than they were... Even though I worked out a lot, I'd find time to relax to smoke some good dank with my pot head friends... We'd pretty much smoke bowels all night... Then my one friend and I got so addicted to pot, we were smoking about 4 blunts a day... I got to the point where I thought I was having a heart attack, from smoking so much... Even though I had some major panic attacks from smoking pot, I still kept on smoking it... I believed I was healthy enough to handle smoking marijuana every day... I believed I was superior to anything... So, that's when I got into coccaine... I only dabbled into that for a good 3 months... I gave up drugs after that... Then I moved to Florida.. There I had a good time... Until a bad night happened to me, which I have already mentioned in my blog... That's when I came back and got into being religious and what not... Then after that phase went away, I got into spirituality... I was a light worker for sure I thought... Then after that phase , I found the desteni material... And here I am today...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was an outcast... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a loner... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was superior to others... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a stud... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave in such a way that made people not like me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brag about my looks, athletic ability, and my physical body... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke pot and think I was a bad ass... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get into drugs... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my personality demons to get the best of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an arrogant asshole... I forgive myself for feeling guilty about the way I acted... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so ignorant when I was so young...

My forgiveness worked...

I had a great time playing basketball... I swear I never felt uncomfortable, nervous, or frustrated... I opened myself to new limits by doing my own self forgiveness... I felt great out there playing, finally not having to worry about a damn thing... I even wasn't so serious about the game... I was out there having fun... Yes, a few times I was getting a bit serious about us being down in the game... I still wasn't upset we were losing... More focus during the game was fantastic... I never had any dissociative problems during the game... I'm glad I am making progress in my process...


Well, that's all I have to write about... I'm grateful to be living, and here in this moment!!!

later

Self-forgiveness for 2-24-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset with Darryl... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call Darryl an asshole in my mind... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Darryl... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Darryl to get the best of my emotions... I forgive myself for participating in the game of polarity... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself, since Darryl was making fun of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for the people that Darryl mocks or is rude towards...

I forgive myself for beLIEving the lie that we all must participate in life, by doing good and avoiding evil... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for doing things I consider not self honest... I forgive myself for feeling guilty for watching tv, and judgin this serial killer as an evil person... I forgive myself for feeling emotions of sadness for the victim's feelings... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fluctuate through mixed emotions... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself as bad, for watching the show as if, it is entertainment... As, if the person was killed for my entertainment... That is I had those thoughts come in my head... I forgive myself for having those negative thoughts... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing polarity to exist within myself...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my blog is dull and boring... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my life is dull and boring... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must post a comment every day... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am worthless... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a low-life, since I don't have a job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my self based off of the way I look...

SF on death/reincarnation...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the dying process... I forgive myself for for accepting and allowing myself to fear the afterlife... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating my own hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my fear of hell to still exist within myself, even though I know there is no real physical hell (besides earth)... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever believe there is a heaven or hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I must be good to go heaven... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being reincarnated again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being reincarnated into an animal... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my fears of death, and reincarnation to get the best of me... I forgive myself for trying to act in denial of the truth of reincarnation, the afterlife, and death...

Well I'm finally getting over the flu...

I've been sick since early sunday morning.. I was sick with the flu... I had the shits like no other and threw up a good 3 times... This is the first time I've really been sick for the past 2 years... I never threw up so violently ever until this time... I mean I have had my moments of throwing up violenty, while being intoxicated... But never have I ever really thrown up so violently while sick with the flu... I hate being sick... Especially, sick to the point of throwing up and diarrhea... I fear becoming sick... I had fears of throwing up too... The fear within me was very deep... I hate throwing up... I can handle shitting my brains out, but when it comes to throwing up, I can't handle that really... The nauseous part is the worse... My fear of that is pretty deep... Nauseum makes me sick litterally... Plus, having migraine headaches doesn't help either...

I felt the need to look at porn while, I was sick... Since, I was deep down in the hole of sickness, I wanted to experience some type of pleasure... I wanted to please myself... To help ease the suffering of my sickness... I didn't give in until, later in the night... I pleased myself due to suffering...

So, that's why I haven't written anything in the past 2 to 3 days, now... I just wanted to let you guys know that..

later

Self-forgiveness on porn/masturbation...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn and have sexual perverted thoughts... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a pervert... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from this reality, by relieving my stress by looking at porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sexually frustrated... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy my sexual fantasies... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a porn addict... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my addiction of porn to get the best of me once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge porn as filthy, dirty, perverted, and what not... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset with myself for looking at porn... I forgive myself for feeling guilty and disgusted of myself ....

Self-forgiveness on the way I perceive the way I look...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as fat... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good looking... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obssessed with the way I look... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become judgmental on the way I look... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I must look good to get a job or to fit into this society... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve others see me as fat... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others judgments on the way I look, to make me feel good or like shit... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own beauty demon system to run my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve the lie that we need to always look good and good looks are everything... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become brainwashed by the media as how to look...

Drinking away my dishonesty down the drain...

I have a drinking problem... I stopped drinking for a good 2 weeks and started up again last night with my friend D... I didn't even feel like drinking yet, once again I ended up drinking and to the point where I was buzzed... I keep telling myself I'm going to quit completely and I've even told D that... I just wash away my own dishonesties down the drain, by drinking... Since, I was in a bad mood from playing basketball last night, like I said I had those panic attacks again... So, I decided to wash away my bad mood, by drinking.... Once again a way of myself being in complete denial and being totally dishonest to myself and my process... I know if, I stop drinking my friend D, will probably not want to hang out as often... He'll probably never want to hang out besides every now and then... I don't want to lose our friendship, because he's a really cool guy and laid back like myself... Yet, I know if, I keep being friends with him, I'll end up getting drunk and stupid... I know I'll keep on being dishonest towards myself and others...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink to fit in with my friends... I forgive myself for drinking to be socialable... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest towards myself by drinking to get drunk... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink because I think that's the normal thing to do with your friends... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe drinking will make my anxiety's dissappear... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang out with my friend D , just to have a good time by drinking...

Forgiveness on playing basketball...

The past two times that I have played basketball, I have had a rough time with my anxiety... I know it's all for fun and games... I have that mindset that I'm just going to have fun... Yet, I become totally dissociative and have difficult panic attacks.. Where I can't focus at all and it's not fun at all playing basketball... My dishonesty must be playing out in front of me, while I play basketball... I must be suppressing feelings and not being self honest... I know that is the case... I have been quite dishonest and just going through the motions... I don't know how to describe how it feels when I become totally dissociative... It feels like everything is crashing down on me and everyone is focused on me... Or I'm too focused on everything that I become totally unfocused and dazed and confused... With all types of anxiety and thoughts of negativity streaming through my head... If, your wondering on how on earth can I have panic attacks, playing basketball I will explain myself better... You see I am totally out of shape... I've gained probably around 40 lbs. in the past year and a half... I've always been fit until, this past year... So, when I'm running around on the court, I get very light headed, dizzy, and feel like the world is on top of my shoulders... I feel so dazed and confused with hardly any sense of direction... Then I feel like everyone knows i'm totally out of it and probably think I'm weird or slow... It's hard to tell probably, but that is what I think of myself and what others probably will think of me... Since, I feel like I look like a fool out on the court, for being totally out of focus and what not... So, then I have panic attacks and my brain basically shuts down with overload of anxiety and stress... That I freak out and start hating myself for having these panic attacks...I totally know it's from myself being dishonest... I'm taking it to serious as well the game... I have fun until , my body wears out and my mind goes out of focus completely...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so distraught in frustration and anger with extreme anxiety... I forgive myself for blaming my anxiety problems on ridiculous things... I forgive myself for blaming myself for everything that happens to me, when these anxiety attacks happen... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through guilt trips and emotions from high to low... I forgive myself for feeling like shit and hating myself for having these anxiety attacks... I forgive myself for blaming a higher power for this shit that happens to me... I forgive myself for blaming the creators that created me... I forgive myself for taking basketball too serious... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so caught up in emotions...

Self-forgiveness on parents..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be grateful for having wonderful parents... I forgive myself for not seeing that my parents were and are always there for me... I forgive myself for taking my parents for granted... I forgive myself for looking at the bad more than the good, that my parents have done for me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my parents are to be looked up to... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my parents are superior compared to myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of my parents... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal money from my parents... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of losing my parents...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest towards my parents by telling white lies...

Self-forgiveness on money...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about having money and earning my own living... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe money will bring me happiness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I will always be poor and live at home... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I need money to have fun... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe money is the source of power... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of living off my parents that give me money here and there for doing chores... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about having money now or later... I forgive myself for putting so much importance on money...

Self-honesty 2-18-09...

I am still not being honest with myself... That is with my thoughts and judgments about other people and myself... I still resort to name calling in my mind's eye about the people I see on t.v... I still resort to judging them on they way people look and act... I even judge myself from time to time... I definitely judge people mainly on the television shows I watch... Especially, on reality shows... I see these people as robots... I am still experiencing separation in all forms of my being... In my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, and judgments... I even have thoughts come in my head of what people are probably thinking or saying in their own minds about myself... I am deceiving my own self by the silliest ways possible... I still feel alienated around others... I feel uncomfortable in social situations, where I have to speak out... I hate feeling obligated to do small talk and be social to people I know are fake... There it goes my judgment of others once again... I know I'm not saint... I use to believe that I was though... When I was ignorant and religious... I do still compare myself to others and see myself as more superior and what not... These thoughts I have are playing out in front of me in and endless time loop... I keep moving forward than backwards... I looked at porn again .... That was just a half hour ago... I seem to be making no progress and keep on making excuses...

More to come...

Self-forgiveness on quiting High School football...

I was raised by my dad mainly to become a great athlete... That is what my dad wanted me to mainly excel at, besides school... My dad put great emphasis on becoming an athletic kid... He wanted us to practice, baseball, basketball, and football everyday... That is when it was time for the sport... My dad really stressed on football though... Especially, when I got older... He never wanted me to miss practice... He got pissed off if, I'd miss football practice... Even if, I was sick... He always thought I was faking it, so I wouldn't go to practice... I'm not going to lie, I did fake sick a few times... lol

Well, the time came when I was about to become a young man... I got into high school... It was early in the summer time and football season was about to start... My dad would be there at the football field, every day of practice after school was over... He never missed a practice ever really... He always would have something to say that I needed to work on... My dad was a perfectionist... He wanted nothing less than anything perfect... Lots of days and nights were filled with arguments about what I needed to do or improve on... My dad would yell at the top of the lungs to get his point through... To make it even worse, the coaches were even more assholes, than my dad... They treated us kids like crap... The more potentional they saw in you, the more they'd yell at you and try to get your attention and what not...

Our coaches would emotionaly abuse us and mainly my twin brother and I... Because they knew we were really good and could be great football stars... I'd work my tail off and be dead tired after practice... I hated to go to practice... I hated trying to bust my ass off every day just to impress my coaches... Who seemed to think I was still slacking... There were many times, where I'd feeling like puking and giving up... I started both ways my sophomore year... I was an oustide line-backer and a half-back (running back)... We went 9-0 my sophomore year... Yet, the coaches said we still needed to improve... Which was ridiculous... Because we only gave up like a total of 49 points all season... We had a running back tandem on 4-6 great running backs... We each had at least 6-8 touchdowns for the year...

So, it came to time where I was a young man and in varsity football... I was a junior and didn't see much playing time... Even though I worked my ass of more than the seniors did... Which, it was alright with me... Because I didn't really care to play... Since, I grew to hate the Varsity coaches, besides my line-backer coach... I didn't want to play for such assholes... I definitely didn't want to win a state championship for them... I did play on special teams though and got some playing time at running back...

Towards the end of the season, we were having review on the game film... My twin brother messed up on a play... So, my coach played it and disected it and told my brother what he did wrong... He basically, rewinded it 3 times and was calling my brother retarded and dumb ass faggot... He then asked my brother how did he mess up so bad... My brother said I don't know... My coach went on to say, because you're a dumb ass !!! He flat out said that and mocked my brother even more... I can't remember what else he said... Well anyways then he had the nerve to tell my twin brother to stand up and say to all of us that he is a dumbass... If, not he would have to run a mile or two... So, that was when I had enough of my coach's attitude... The guy's on the team thought it was funny... So, that didn't help my case for wanting to play with such a team of complete assholes... I told my dad I wanted to quit and not play in the playoffs... He basically was pissed and even knew what our coach said to my brother... Yet, he forced us to play...

So, my senior year came and it was almost football season again... I had enough of football... The game wasn't any fun anymore... The coaches took it to seriously and made me hate to play for them... I told my dad that I was quitting and he went balistic on me and my twin brother... He tried everything in the book to get us to play... I wouldn't have it though... My mom didn't really care and felt bad for us... Yet, my dad felt ashamed of us and pissed off as all hell at us... I told him it wasn't fun anymore and I hated the coaches... I also, said I don't want to win a state championship for such complete arrogant assholes... We had many verbal fights about football and not wanting to play... So, now the coaches knew we were quitting and gave us a hard ass time as well.. Some of my teammates were dicks about it as well... So, I took a lot of heat for quitting... Especially, since our school was all about football...

I felt like I let my dad down and my teammates... I felt bad for quitting and still have nightmares of football... I still wish I might have gone out for the hell of it... To win it for my dad and teammmates... Yet, I knew I wouldn't really be doing it for myself... I needed to do it for myself mainly... That is to just have fun... It became so serious that I didn't have fun anymore...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a sport so seriously... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my coaches... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let down my dad and my friends on the team... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at my dad for awhile because of football... I forgive myself for blaming myself for being a loser for not going out for football... I forgive myself for judging myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for quitting... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder what if, I would have gone out and we could have won the state championship... I forgive myself for blaming myself for them not making it to state... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the coaches...

Self-forgiveness 2-17-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my sexual fantasies get the best of me once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have sexual thoughts... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in looking at porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate... I forgive myself for using women as a sexual object and looking at them as if, they are a piece of meat... I forgive myself for believing I'm a pervert... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing guilt to reside in myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing blaming myself or others for this sexual frustruation I am experiencing... I forgive myself for thinking I'm fucking up my process of self-honesty, and I won't be able to break the spell of sexual infatuation of looking at naked women... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgment to reside in myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call these women sluts, that I would love to fuck... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define these women as hot and lesser women as ugly... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep making the same mistakes over and over... I forgive myself for sounding like a broken record with my self-forgiveness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe others might judge me more differently now, since they might have seen my blog... I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself as some type of persona I might think I might be...

My obsessive behavior...

I have a big time problem with obsessive behavior... If, I get locked onto to something that I really enjoy, I have a hard time giving it up... I mean I get to the point where I can't go without it... It's like a drug that fuels my fire.... That I want to keep doing it over and over... Like before I got obsessed with my x-box 360, well mainly Madden 09 that is... I use to be obsessed with researching about the afterlife , God, and religion... I pretty much researched for a good 4 years.. It that time span I'd research about every day for at least 12 hours a day/night... Now, my obsession is playing Madden NFL 09... I find it hard to escape my ego... My ego wants me to have fun and lots of it... My obsessive ego wants it every day and every night... If, I go a day with out it, I'm upset or bored... I think it's my way of escaping this reality we call "life..." I need to get myself together and stop playing video games so much... I find it hard to believe that having fun is just an illusion of the mind... That is why I'm stuck playing video games to have fun... Losing everything that I enjoy seems like a terrible thing to happen... I know playing video games is no way in any shape or form going to help me out in my process... It will only pro long the process and cause me more grief... I knew I should have never fixed my xbox 360... I should of sold it... That's all I want to do is play Madden 09... I don't want to go find a job, I definitely don't want to work at all... I just want to exist in my own world of enjoyment... Yet, I know this is an ignorant way to live...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let enjoyment of video games make me want to stop living this whole process way of life of forgiveness, self-honesty, and oneness... I forgive myself for playing video game all day... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my ego to get the best of me... I forgive myself for taking these video games so seriously... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with these video games.... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become agitated when I'm not playing video games... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel boredom when I'm not playing video games... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing boredom to exist with in me... I forgive myself for accepting and allow myself to define what I think is boredom... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to partake in polarity games of the mind... I forgive myself for judging myself as ignorant or not taking this process seriously enough... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing joyfulness to be an orgasm switch of the mind... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seriousness to reside in myself while I get into the football games... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing video games to run my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find ways to stop my boredom... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to curse at the video game, when I believe I get rigged...

Self-forgiveness about my anxiety/depression... 2-14-09...

I forgive myself for identifying myself as an anxious person... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious in social situations... I forgive myself for defining myself as a shy lonely person... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let anxiety/worryness dictate my life... I forgive myself for letting anxiety get the best of me... I forgive myself for allowing people to make me nervous... I forgive myself for letting fear of my true self show through my anxiety... I forgive myself for fearing death, which is because I fear living... I forgive myself for letting myself doubt my talents and to have less motivation to live by... I forgive myself for identifying myself as a depressed person... I forgive myself for beLIEving I'm anxious because I was born that way... I forgive myself for not letting myself live without any fears or worries...

later

My anxiety...

I have lived with anxiety, excessive worry, and depression pretty much throughout my whole life... Ever since I was a toddler to now I was considered very shy by my peers and family/friends... I've always had this overwhelming feeling of worry... It is very hard to deal with... Especially, when I'd play sports I'd get so nervous... I'd be so nervous it felt like I was about to shit my pants or piss my pants... Yet, at the same time I was very serious about getting the job done whatever sport it might be... My anxiety was probably at an all time high, when I'd be out in public... It would worsen the more people I saw... Mainly people I knew, because I never really knew what to say... I had so much anxiety it took the words out of my mouth... I'd be pretty much dumbfounded and lost... The older I got the more anxious I got... By the time we had to take speech class, was a hellish nightmare for me... I never ever wanted to give a speech and to be made to give a speech was the worst thing in the world for me... I'd get the butterfly feelings in my stomach and feel like I had to shit my brains out... The nerves made me get all gassy and uneasy in my stomach and body... At times I'd feel like I could almost cry... It was so embarrassing for me to give speeches... Even if, there were just 4 people in there, I'd still be anxious as holy hell... My anxiety got so bad to the point, it caused me great harm in my social life and heightened my depression... I never wanted to go to school because of my anxiety, and plus I thought school was fucking a waste of time... I think the main reason I got into drugs, was to cope with my anxiety and depression... I'd use drugs to relieve my anxiety... Yet, when I'd be completely sober I'd get so overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, boredom, and depression... Because I had nothing to help cope with these feelings... So, drugs made my anxiety even worse... It got to the point where I was almost agoraphobic (not wanting to go outside "afraid")... I'd get embarrassed just talking to the employee at a gas station... Well, I could go on and on about my life story with anxiety and what not, but I don't want to bore you all...

laters

Self-forgiveness 2-13-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue playing video games, all day to escape from my own true self and this game we call "life." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the information of the Desteni material to speak for me, instead of applying in practically in my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in only attaining knowledge and thinking it will help my process... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that Bernard and Sunette are more enlightened than myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in separation and beLIEve I am separate from everything... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to just be lazy and play it "cool" like I will get this process done some day.... Instead of doing it "NOW." I forgive myself for always looking into the future and not focusing on the "NOW." I forgive myself for looking back at the past as well... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to race and exist in polarity... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe playing video games is what "fun" is defined by my beliefs... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck in my own little world of opinions and beliefs... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dictacted on what to do by others... I forgive myself for drinking two nights ago and wanting to get a good buzz.... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in "love" at first sight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt the desteni material and hold high regards about the desteni message... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost in the message and have more questions arise than answers... I forgive myself for not using common sense in some cases... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still hold on to fears, doubts, worries, and what not...

More to come..

My religious upbringing...

Alright, here's the bread and butter about my life with religion involved with it... You see I was raised as a Christian (Catholic)... Well, I was baptized when I was a baby in a Catholic Church... Then from there my family and I would always go to church on Sundays, just like every other regular Christian family... We even went to Sunday School... Which, is total utter crap... Well I didn't actually go to a Christian school at the time.. I went to a public school from pre-school on up to 5th grade... Yet, we still went to church and want not... I was taught to pray every day as well by my parents...

Then came the time my parents sent us to a Catholic school... It was a very small and private school... We left our old public school because my brother (twin) and I were getting bullied by two big and older kids... One of them was a black kid that was a little gangbanger... Plus, I had a couple embarrassing accidents in school... I had pee'd my pants one time in first grade and the other time in 4th grade... So, I got teased about those whole scenarios... I'd hate to go to school because of that.. Well anyways, the time come to move on and become more involved with religion.. Even though we went to a Catholic school, my brother and I still acted like lil' devils... We would go back in the church and drink the red wine... We wouldn't drink to much of it of course... We never got caught doing that... We never did really behave behind the teacher's backs... All the teachers that I was an angel... I had even my friends fooled besides my best friends... My twin and I even looked at porn and would bring porn magazines to show to the other boys..

Well, after grade school we went to another Catholic school... It was a well-respected Christian High School... This is where I got into drugs and so did my twin brother... It was about summer year of our Freshman year... We got high as hell on pot... We didn't start drinking heavily and smoking heavily until our Sophomore year... This went on a good while... Junior year is when I experienced with shrooms and robotussin.. I even tried salvia then as well.. You see we never really paid attention to religion... Our parents weren't really strict.. As long as, we went to church they didn't really care... So, after high school I got into cocoaine... I didn't really do it that much though.. I only did it for a good 20 times or more all year... Then I even dabbled into meth and crack.... This is where I got very paranoid... I wasn't paranoid about religion yet.. More to come on that... It's just my paranoia was more about people looking at me, or thinking they were talking about me... This became very apparent in my life... Pretty much all the time I'd think people were looking at me or talking about me...

Finally, I got off the drugs and moved to Tampa Bay, Florida... My twin brother moved to Tampa too, with his g/f... I needed to get away from my friends and the drugs.. They caused me to much trouble... So, things were going good... I missed my g/f back home though... Then one night I had a terrible experience... The anti-depressants I took made me sick one night... I had a terrible experience where I thought demons were coming after me... I could only see their shadows... I could feel them breathing on my neck... It felt like they were surrounding me and trying to take over my body... This made me finally pray to God once again to save me... You see I gave up prayer, until this happened... I felt that God knew I was a sinner and that's why demons were attacking me.. Finally, they demons gave up trying to take my body over... I beLIEved God had saved me...

So, then I believed I was born again... This made me feel a lot better and more spiritual.. I got more into Religion and actually took it seriously then.. This is when I turned 20... Before than I could give a rat's ass about it... So, I felt bad for leaving my g/f back home... So, I decided that the right thing to do was to go back to her and my family... When I arrived home I was a totally changed person.. I was off the drugs for a good year by now... I was totally way more religious... I was like the karma police... Always pointing out the bad I saw in people and told them they were basically sinners... I was a total hypocrite, yet I didn't see it... I'd even go to the priest and confess my sins... I do that quite a bit... It became so bad, that I would go to the priest quite a bit... I became very scrupulous about my sinning.. I'd think I'd be sinning for the most ridiculous things.. My parents would tell me I'm over analyzing things and I'm not really sinning at all.. Yet, I didn't believe a word they told me... I believed they were more sinners than I was... So, why should I believe them!

So, that went on for a good while... Where I started to beLIEve I was going to go burn in hell... I also, thought my family or friends could go to hell too... This made me totally even more paranoid... The anti-depressants weren't working for squat... The cocoaine I abused had turned me into a paranoid wreck... I would go throughout the day with thoughts of going to hell about 24/7 days a week... I literally got no rest everyday and night... I'd probably only get a good 5 hours a night of sleep... My escape from the emotional pain and baggage of thinking I was going to burn in hell, was only when I'd get some sleep at night... I waited every day and night waiting for the time to come for my sleep... It was definitely a sad case of paranoia and depression... I feared the worst... This went on for a good year and a half.... I also, forgot to mention while this was going on in my life, I was researching about Religion, God, and the afterlife 24/7 days a week as well... I was diagnosed as having an obsessive compulsive disorder... I also, was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder... I became so obsessed with researching it basically, took over my life... Everyone in my family was worried about me... They thought I'd do the unthinkable and killy myself... I was definitely thinking about it... Even though I beLIEved I'd go to hell... I figured what's there to do, I'm going to hell anyways... Since, I was scrupulous I believed the most petty things in life were mortal sins...

Then one night while researching I found some new age stuff that resonated with me... It brought hope and love into my life... Well actually, before that I found the Christian Universalism beliefs... This brought tears to my eyes... They said, we all are saved by the blood of JC... I was so grateful to read those words... Yet, I still had the fear of hell in the back of my mind... So, I still kind of doubted the Salvation for all mankind... So, then I kept on researching and researching... I then stumbled upon the New Age beliefs... This resonated with me really well and sounded more plausible... It kind of went hand and hand with Universalism... Yet, one thing freaked me out... Is that we could manifest our own heaven and hell, by our own beliefs.... Heaven/hell could become real in the next life... So, this totally scared the shit out of me... I worried if, I'd still believe in hell that I would create that, in the afterlife... What also, scared me was creating my own heaven.... I wouldn't want to be stuck in some illusion for eternity... Especially, not an illusion of hell!!! So, that went on for awhile... I was reading all sorts of books... I mainly read the "Conversation with God" books... I also, read some psychic's books like John Edward, Sylvia Brown, and what not... I also, right Dr. Michael Newton's books "Journey of Souls," and "Destiny of Souls." Then I was stuck on these beliefs for awhile...

Until, I realized lots of what the New Age taught were kind of false promises... I couldn't believe why a loving God, would let us suffer... The whole karma thing sounded absurd as well... Also, the fact that a loving God would let people create their own hell by fearing it... Why wouldn't a loving God let people go to heaven with just him... Also, the whole ascension thing sounded ridiculous... So, I did some more researching and stumbled upon Advaita Vedanta (non-duality)... This seemed to make more sense... Yet, some of it was still based on false teachings of enlightenment... I didn't get the whole thing about us being God, than why do we need to become enlightened... If, we already are God... So, this struggle went on for a good 3 and a half years... Then I found the Desteni material... It was at first a punch into the go-nads and feeling like someone beat the fuck out me... I denied most of it at first... I mean some of it I agreed with... I guess more than half of it resonated with me at first....But to say it felt good realizing you are just a robot would be a LIE... I was so stunned and pissed off at life... Especially, Anu for enslaving us... I would ask other people about the Desteni material, and they'd all curse it basically... So, I'd be a little refreshed about that and say yea it's just bull shit probably... Then one day it just hit me and I realized these people are probably telling us the deep down real shit about life... Everything Sunette talked about in the video, just seemed more and more plausible each time I watched the videos... So, my journey finally stopped at a screeching halt... I have been a Destinan(LOL) since this past July...

Thank you!




more to come

Trouble with my mind fucking with me...

I'm having terrible inner struggles with my ego/mind... I find it difficult to express myself in ways of oneness, self-honesty, and what not when I'm out in public.. It's a lot easier to stand up for life being at home on the internet, expressing myself on my blog.. I can't seem to get it through my head to be self-honest, when I'm out with my friends... I always feel the need to try to say the right things and be cool.. Instead of just being myself.. I always feel judgment towards myself out in public... I have trouble judging others out in public... My mind tells me how to think act, walk, talk and define myself through ignorant personalities... My mind wants me to mingle with the girls and get laid... My mind wants me to putting on a front around the ladies too.. I'm always trying to act suave and non-chalant... I'm sick of my mind dictating my behaviorism... I'm tired of the same old self of denial and addictions to my ego mind.... My mind is the ultimate chatter machine... It never lets me just rest and relax... I hear no silence, besides when I'm sleeping... Even then my mind throws me through loops of crazy dreams, where I feel all sorts of emotional pain, agony, defeat, sorrow and physical pain... If, only I could get myself to stop playing a character in this silly game called "life." I keep going through the same cycles of worry of what do they think of me... What will they think of me tonight.. What will they think of me tomorrow... Why are they looking at me like that??? People are staring at me... People think I'm weird... People think I'm some sort of shy coward... Is this what they really think of me??? Or is this just how I think of myself??? Yes, it's definitely that Alex... :) Sorry for talking in third person.. :) lol... Well, then stop the mind and thinking your some certain person and that person is thinking this and that about you... Common sense Alex... Keep it simple... "Silence the mind."

Self Forgiveness 2-9-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become very lazy for a good year now... I forgive myself for becoming so lazy, that I don't really want to get a job now even though I need a job really bad... I forgive myself for sitting around all day playing video games and chillen on the net... I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy and dense.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through self criticism... I forgive myself for feeling down on myself for not having a job for awhile now.. I forgive myself for perceiving my family judges me as a loser or a lazy bum.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others to dictate what I must do with my life... I forgive myself for thinking I need to play video games to have some sort of "fun." I forgive myself for beLIEving I'm not a good son/brother/uncle.. I forgive myself for thinking to much and not participating in self honesty.. I forgive myself for judging the things I do wrong as "wrong." I forgive myself for thinking I have no clue what I was just talking about..lol I forgive myself for feeling the need to give up on this process of mine.. I forgive myself for feeling even the need to give up.. I forgive myself for thinking I'm just a robot programmed to do what I'm programmed to do, just like everyone else.. I forgive myself for worrying about my writting expression and grammer.. I forgive myself for calling this girl I know crazy.. I forgive myself for always trying to avoid people.. I forgive myself for always repeating in my head throughout the day, everything that I have already forgiven.. I forgive myself for thinking I'm not doing this process "right." I forgive myself for masturbating once again!! I forgive myself for feeling disgusted of myself for masturbating... I forgive myself for letting my thoughts run wild during my sexual fantasies about the women, that which I masturbated to... I forgive myself for feeling the need to masturbate... I forgive myself for letting myself down once again.. I forgive myself for getting angry at myself for pleasuring myself.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself in the next life... I forgive myself for thinking I'm going to be ashamed of my life, when I die and meet my true self... I forgive myself for fearing the unknown and wondering what it really will be like... I forgive myself for making excuses on not wanting to face myself in this life.. I forgive myself for beLIEving I won't be able to stand up for LIFE in this life...

Self Forgiveness for 2-8-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to drink to fit in with my friends.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel obligated to drink alcohol to have a good time.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn and masturbate to it.. I forgive myself for letting my sexual urges get the best of me.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act different around my friends and not act like my true honest self.. I forgive myself for feeling anxious before going out to drink.. I forgive myself for having a few negative thoughts about what others might think about me if, I don't drink.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others out at the bar who were pretty drunk.. I forgive myself for judging myself as well.. I forgive myself for thinking I'm a little bit fat and feeling a bit worried about what others might think of me due to me being overweight.. I forgive myself for becoming worried and upset when my dad called me a moose.. I forgive myself for blaming alcohol on why I am overweight now... I forgive myself for feeling sorry for myself for being overweight.. I forgive myself for wishing I was skinny again like I use to be.... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the driver for my friend who deals dank (marijuana).. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my friend for being a drug dealer... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve my friend is using me to deal his marijuana.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel obligated to look good all the time.. I forgive myself for thinking I'm not as good looking as I use to be... I forgive myself for feeling the need to impress others.. I forgive myself for feeling the need to always fit in... I forgive myself for getting bored and wanting to drink... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for why I am the way I am now.. I forgive myself for letting my sexual urges (fantasies) get the best of me once again.. I forgive myself for resorting towards masturbation to make me feel better and just to get my fix of euphoria for the night.. I forgive myself for letting my mind get the best of me just for a silly orgasm.. My mind is in denial and I forgive myself for this.. My mind is in denial and needs it's fix of euphoria day in and day out to hide behind it's false self.. I forgive myself for being in denial... I forgive myself for thinking I'm doing this blog just to show people I am not a quitter or just for show.. I forgive myself for all the stuff I resent in the past way before I got into the desteni material.... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself with thoughts of suicide... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through depression, anxiety, shyness, lazy, or any other type of description... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk gibberish with others... I forgive myself for not standing up for myself and quit talking total nonsense... I forgive myself for having "guy" talks with my friend D about girls and all other ridiculous slang terms on describing sexual intimacy and girls.. I forgive myself for defining myself as one thing or another thing.. I forgive myself for getting to attached to my cats, because when I'm not around them I miss them and don't feel complete... I forgive myself for attaching myself to my friends and thinking I owe them or they owe me.. I forgive myself for letting others judgements about me get in the way of living my life fully..