Forgiveness on playing basketball...

The past two times that I have played basketball, I have had a rough time with my anxiety... I know it's all for fun and games... I have that mindset that I'm just going to have fun... Yet, I become totally dissociative and have difficult panic attacks.. Where I can't focus at all and it's not fun at all playing basketball... My dishonesty must be playing out in front of me, while I play basketball... I must be suppressing feelings and not being self honest... I know that is the case... I have been quite dishonest and just going through the motions... I don't know how to describe how it feels when I become totally dissociative... It feels like everything is crashing down on me and everyone is focused on me... Or I'm too focused on everything that I become totally unfocused and dazed and confused... With all types of anxiety and thoughts of negativity streaming through my head... If, your wondering on how on earth can I have panic attacks, playing basketball I will explain myself better... You see I am totally out of shape... I've gained probably around 40 lbs. in the past year and a half... I've always been fit until, this past year... So, when I'm running around on the court, I get very light headed, dizzy, and feel like the world is on top of my shoulders... I feel so dazed and confused with hardly any sense of direction... Then I feel like everyone knows i'm totally out of it and probably think I'm weird or slow... It's hard to tell probably, but that is what I think of myself and what others probably will think of me... Since, I feel like I look like a fool out on the court, for being totally out of focus and what not... So, then I have panic attacks and my brain basically shuts down with overload of anxiety and stress... That I freak out and start hating myself for having these panic attacks...I totally know it's from myself being dishonest... I'm taking it to serious as well the game... I have fun until , my body wears out and my mind goes out of focus completely...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so distraught in frustration and anger with extreme anxiety... I forgive myself for blaming my anxiety problems on ridiculous things... I forgive myself for blaming myself for everything that happens to me, when these anxiety attacks happen... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through guilt trips and emotions from high to low... I forgive myself for feeling like shit and hating myself for having these anxiety attacks... I forgive myself for blaming a higher power for this shit that happens to me... I forgive myself for blaming the creators that created me... I forgive myself for taking basketball too serious... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so caught up in emotions...