My self-forgiveness of the old "me."

I use to be considered somewhat of an outcast... I wouldn't really say I was a loner or an outsider, but I was definitely and outcast... I had friends they were mainly only guy friends though... I had a bout 4 to 5 close friends while I was in high school... So, I definitely wasn't a loner... I mean I probably would have had more friends, if I had gone to a bigger school... I went to a school of only 230 some high schoolers total... I wasn't really considered popular... I mean I hung out with the popular guys in my class, but I was the outcast of the group...I was kind of considered a jock as well... Yet, I was a nice jock and didn't pick on anyone really... I was definitely a pothead at the time... So, many of the girls thought I was some stupid pothead... Most of the girls didn't really smoke pot... So, it wasn't seen as something cool to do... Although, many of the guys in my class smoked pot... Yet, they kept it a secret and no one else ever thougth they would do such a thing... I myself could give a damn about what people thought about me... So, I would flat out tell people I smoked pot... I thought I was a bad ass for just not giving a damn and smoking marijuana... I was very laid back and quiet too at the same time... I could be very serious too... Especially, when it came to sports my first couple of years in high school... I was very athletic and played basketball, baseball, ran track, and played football... I started in pretty much all of those sports... I was popular with the girls... Although, it was the girls from other schools and what not... They thought I was very hot and athletic... So, this always boosted my ego up a notch or two... I would brag to my guy friends about the girls that would call me and tell me they liked me... I would also, brag about how good I was at sports to my friends... I was very cocky... I mean I wasn't a cocky prick though... Yet, I'm sure some of my friends probably thought I was ... lol If, anyone ever needed help or someone to back them up in a fight, I was there to defend... I mean that is if, they were my friends... I wouldn't back down from anyone... I thought I could pretty much kick anyone's ass... Especially, since I took it to one guy that was 6'2 265... And I at the time was only 5'9" and 160... I was a gym rat as well... I'd try to lift every day... I'd want to impress the girls... I wanted to be the biggest baddest guy in the school... I wanted to build my body up perfectly... I wanted myself to be pretty much all muscle... I was so self-conceited about they way I should look... If, I didn't think I was big enough, I'd work my ass off harder than ever before in the weight room... I always compared myself to other guys... I wanted to be bigger, stronger, than they were... Even though I worked out a lot, I'd find time to relax to smoke some good dank with my pot head friends... We'd pretty much smoke bowels all night... Then my one friend and I got so addicted to pot, we were smoking about 4 blunts a day... I got to the point where I thought I was having a heart attack, from smoking so much... Even though I had some major panic attacks from smoking pot, I still kept on smoking it... I believed I was healthy enough to handle smoking marijuana every day... I believed I was superior to anything... So, that's when I got into coccaine... I only dabbled into that for a good 3 months... I gave up drugs after that... Then I moved to Florida.. There I had a good time... Until a bad night happened to me, which I have already mentioned in my blog... That's when I came back and got into being religious and what not... Then after that phase went away, I got into spirituality... I was a light worker for sure I thought... Then after that phase , I found the desteni material... And here I am today...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was an outcast... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a loner... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was superior to others... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a stud... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave in such a way that made people not like me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brag about my looks, athletic ability, and my physical body... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke pot and think I was a bad ass... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get into drugs... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my personality demons to get the best of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an arrogant asshole... I forgive myself for feeling guilty about the way I acted... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so ignorant when I was so young...