I'm upset with myself...

I feel like I'm not in it for standing up for life... I keep on making excuses and keep feeling sorry for myself... I have lots of anger in myself, I realized that from watching my favorite team lose tonight in the NCAA basketball tournament... It made me think do I want to step up to the plate and apply self-forgiveness 24/7 or just do it when I feel like it... I think I don't want to give up my life of wants and needs and emotional drama... I seem to feed off of my own emotions and this leads to distress many times... I feel like I'm failing miserably and that it's just my obligation to stand up for life, because I have to... I haven't really taken this process seriously and I'm sick of that... I'm tired of going back to the same old bull shit life... That I have already lived out many times... That is looking at porn almost every day now... Getting upset over stupid shit and even getting pissed off over stupid basketball games, that meaning nothing to "life." I'm not standing up for life or myself... I'm repeating the same old cycles of abuse towards myself... I know I'm sounding like a broken record now, but it's true... I'm a broken person... I wonder why should I stand up for myself and everyone else... If, many people out there are not going to stand up for life... I feel like this shit will never work... I am so frustrated with my life and myself... I feel like a complete failure and I feel like just ending my life... Yet, I know that would be the most ridiculous thing to do... It would be a stupid cop out... I keep trying to get the next fix to make myself feel good... I keep living in fear, anxiety, anger and what not... I look for something to make me happy instead of applying myself in every moment...

Self-forgiveness for 3-18-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset with myself for not playing that great during the basketball game... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this to bother me while I was playing basketball... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious while playing basketball...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder, what it would be like to have sex with Dixie... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have sexual fantasies towards Dixie... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to have sex... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need a g/f like Dixie...



laters

Self-forgiveness for 3-15-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for looking at porn and masturbating once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disgusted of myself for looking at such hard core porn and looking at porn in general... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself up for failure, by saying to myself I can look at porn without masturbating or feeling no attraction towards the naked women... When all I am doing is participating in temptation, which leads to me abusing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pissed off at myself for abusing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I will never get over porn and masturbation... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to give up on my process all together... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care what others might think of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation by existing in sexual fantasies... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use those naked women as a way to get off for myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the urge to masturbate... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have sexual thoughts in my head... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to stop these perverted thoughts... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I'm a filthy disgusting pervert...

Self-forgiveness for 3-14-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in sexual fantasies, which leads me not facing myself here and "now." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a pervert for indulging in porn and masturbation... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for all the cats and dogs that I try to help, at the animal shelter that I work at... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to comfort the cats and dogs... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to take a cat home with me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pissed off at the game, because the team I wanted to win lost... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset over something so irrelevant towards life...

Self-forgiveness on not getting the job...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a speeding ticket a while back, so now the driving agency won't let me drive for them... Since, I had to have a clean driving record for the past 3 years... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at myself and the driving company... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for not getting the job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed for not getting the job...

Self-forgiveness on hell and damnation...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself beLIEve in the lie that there is a hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my beLIEfs of hell in the past ruin part of my life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that I will burn in hell or my family members/friends will go to hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going to hell and burning in hell for eternity... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating my own hell after I die and crossover to the otherside... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that I can create my own hell when I die... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not facing my true self in this life... Since, that is where all my underlying fears stem from... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reside in dishonesty towards life, and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself turn away from facing myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to stop my thoughts of heaven and hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to stop my fears of hell and creating my own hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve the stories of near death experiencers of heaven and hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve in fairy tale endings of the afterlife and disaster tales of fire and damnation of the afterlife... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in polarity systems of good people only go to heaven, while bad people only go to hell... I forgive myself for suppressing so many fears of what others might think of me, which led to my fears of hell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not reside in my true nature of living in equality and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from facing myself by beLIEving in false pie in the sky beliefs of heaven and false promises of eternal life in heaven... Which made me fear hell even more because, I didn't want to miss out going to heaven... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to damn myself for not being able to stand up for myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how stupid the theory of hell was... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be labeled as weird and which led to major anxiety and that turned into even more anxiety of fearing hell...

Self-forgiveness for 3-9-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset with the people that work for x-box 360... Since, they still sent me back an x-box 360 that doesn't work... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger towards the people that work for xbox... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down for not be able to play my xbox 360... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if, my friend Dixie thinks I'm good looking or not... I mean what good does that do for me to wonder about such egotistical bull shit... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show Dixie a picture of myself and my twin, so she could see how good my brother and I look... I'm so still into my beauty demon system... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stuck in the polarity system of beauty and ugliness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to porn once again... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat cycles of abuse of anger, resentment, and hypocrisy for looking at porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm above others especially people like Hitler... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see Hitler as inferior to me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel demons never deserved to get transcended from the demon dimension... The same I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Hitler doesn't deserve to be equal and one to me or anyone else... I forgive myself for not standing up for equality and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear demons and Hitler... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people that are serial killers as people that are evil and not worth the time of the day and deserve to get the worst treatment... This makes me realize I am just like the serial killer... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for not having a job still... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless for not having a job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm only doing this blog as a front(as in putting on a show) that I'm taking this process seriously... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with my own process of forgiveness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think all thoughts that arise from my CONsciousness are false or delusions... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior over others, because I follow my own process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and equality-oneness...

Self-forgiveness for 3-08-09...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience boredom... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy all day... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to watch t.v. all day... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find comfort in watching basketball all day... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally attached to the games I watched... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my emotions to get the best of me, while I was watching the basketball games... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a basketball game so serious... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless because I sat around all day... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish the teams I wanted to win, would win... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when the teams I wanted to win, would lose... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a piece of shit, for not having a job and not going to school this semester... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset with myself for feeling worthless... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about not having a job right now... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder how my job will be like, if I become a prison guard... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I might hate my next job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry what I will do if, I don't get the job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I might quit my job again... I forgive myself for feeling like a complete jackass, for quitting my last job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a person that loves to sit around all day and do nothing really... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my secret mind get the best of me... That is wishing everything would be just peachy, and no problems with having no money, or a job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I was a better person.. Whatever that must mean???? I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I'm not a good person... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get locked into polarity issues... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm a failure for quitting so many jobs and by not having a job right now... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my anxiety is to blame for me not having a job...

Sitting around all day being lazy and watching basketball...

Well, I had another real productive day.. LOL I'm just joking... I basically sat around all day doing nothing, just watching basketball all game... I was on the internet for a little while as well too... I actually wasn't really bored... I mean I had periods of boredom, but it really didn't last that long... I was getting into the basketball games and what not... Wishing one team would win over the other... Even though I've never heard of these schools.. I'd get a little bit upset if, the team I wanted to win would lose, but I got over it... Or if, the team I wanted to win won, I'd be a bit happy... So, I need to work on releasing my emotions with self forgiveness... I did do something useful though.. I cleaned out the kitty litter... I also fed the cats and gave them water.. I also, fed and gave the bird water... So, I guess I wasn't lazy all day... lol I like just chillen... I'm going to miss just relaxing all day and what not... I'm especially going to miss playing with the cats... So, I need to do self forgiveness on not being able to relax and play with the cats... I've kicked my habit of drinking all the time.. So, I'm doing fine in that way... I mean I haven't quit drinking all together.. I've just don't drink as much as I use to... By not drinking as much as I use to, I don't have that many negative thoughts... I also, don't ever have suicidal thoughts... I don't even wonder what it would be like to die... So, that's going quite well for me... I'm being more honest with myself as well... I don't take money from my parents anymore... I don't use the money they give me to get high on drugs on anything like that either... I haven't looked at porn in about a good 2 weeks now... I'm home alone a lot during the day, so that's pretty good for me... I me I feel tempted sometimes, but I know it's not worth the time of the day... Well, all I did all day was drink pop sit on my ass and watch sports... I felt at ease just chillen and being lazy... I know I need to get my ass in gear soon though... Because I'm going to try to become a prison guard... So, I need to get back in shape and what not... I need to do self-forgiveness on that as well... I'm worrying about how the job will be and how I will do... Well, that's all I have to say about my "exciting" life ... LOL

LATERS

Not having the internet for a couple days...

I haven't posted anything in a couple days, because our internet wasn't working for a couple days... We just got it back running again finally... I didn't really feel any emotions towards not having the internet... I thought I'd be broken for a couple days... Back a while ago, when we didn't have the internet working for a couple days than, I'd freak the fuck out... I'd be lost without the internet... I'd get frustrated and keep on checking to see if, it was working again.. Now, I didn't really care... I mean sure I wished it would work... I wasn't upset or anything about it... I mean I wanted it to work and all so I could reply back to my buddy Dixie... I was worried she'd think I was ignoring her or something... Well, that's all I have to say for now..

later

Self-forgiveness on my thoughts of worry...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what others might think of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry what my family might think of my new reasoning on life matters... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel timid about my new blog... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry my friends, and family might think I have joined a cult... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that the desteni material could be wrong about some life matters... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry what others might think about my blog... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that others might see me as a hypocrite... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about death... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the afterlife... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about losing my personality and everything else when I die... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry if, I'm on the right path in life... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my income... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about getting a job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my health...

Self-forgivness on body image...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a little embarrassed of my weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call myself fat... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let other's opinions about my weight, make me feel bad... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my weight to cause me to wear baggier clothes... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the way I look... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the way I smell... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I'm not as good looking as I use to be... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always try to look my best... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ugly because of my weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call myself girly, because I'm worried about my weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generalize myself in any such way of looks, and weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable with myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in denial of my weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I am a different person, because of my weight... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior towards other people who are in good shape...

Self-forgiveness for past relationship...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with my ex g/f for calling me a nut job... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior towards my ex... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my ex g/f to be in charge of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ex g/f and think she is a bitch... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call my ex g/f fat... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my ex g/f is homely looking... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my ex g/f's ass was the only good thing she had going for her, looks wise... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex g/f was a slut... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to my ex g/f... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave differently around my ex g/f... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call my ex g/f names...

Addiction to porn...

I've been struggling with my addiction to porn ever since, I was probably around the ripe age of 9-10... That was when I was first introduced to porn... One day I was browsing through all the channels on my parent's t.v. and happened to find a porn channel...You must keep in mind I had no intention of finding a porn channel or even imagining such a channel would be on the t.v... So, I was shocked and amazed at the same time... I was watching it very intently and not really grossed out like probably most kids my age would have been... I remember getting aroused and I began to masturbate... I just rubbed away basically... I never you could do such a thing to yourself, and get something where you'd cum... So, this was new and foreign to me... I managed to cum after a good 10 minutes or so... So, ever since that day whenever my parents weren't around, I'd change it to that porn channel and masturbate... This went on for years and years... When the internet came into place in our household, that was even more convient for me to look at porn... So, I'd be looking at porn on a daily basis... The only time I really stopped looking at porn , was when I was a "devout" Christian... I believed porn was considered a terrible thing to look at and a moral sin... So, the longest I went without porn was probably a good 6 months... I questions Christianity and gave it up... So, I began looking at porn once again... So, from the day I was 9 up until my age of 23, I have looked at porn quite a bit in my life time... I am not saying I have an addiction, so I can't do anything about it... I'm not blaming this on addictions of the past... I can change it... It's just I keep on making excuses on why I should look at porn... I say or there's nothing wrong with it and it's not harming anyone blah blah blah... I noticed I'm not being really serious in my process... Since, I keep losing myself in porn from time to time... The longest I've gone with out it , since my process was only like a month.... So, I need to step up to the plate and make the best of my process... I can't blame it on the past and how I was basically thrown into porn with no true understanding of what porn is or what it will do to your mind... I can't blame it on those older kid's that showed me porn magazines either... Even though they indoctrinated me into the whole porn thing, I shouldn't blame them... I could of said no I don't want to look at the porn magazines...

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to struggle with porn for so many years... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my porn addiction... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so immensed within porn.... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch porn at such a young age... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not conquer my porn addiction... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sexually attracted to women from just looking at them... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself keep my porn addiction as secret...

I am still addicted to porn...

My addictions are getting the best of me once again... I fell into the trap of looking a porn... I thought hey I can look at the porn and not get aroused.... Since, I am not interested into sex anymore... Wow, what a complete jackass I am to think that... I ended up looking at more and more of the porn and got aroused completely... I ended up cumming and what not... I knew I still had problems with my addictions of porn... Because I was having dreams of sexual encounters with many women... I was in complete denial of myself... I'm still back at phase one... I'm starting back at where I left off... I was hurting big time awhile back and I'm not to far from that spot again... I need to step up to the plate and be honest with my sexual fantasies...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my sexual desires to get the best of me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to masturbate and cum to the point I was satisfied... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve I was done with sex... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in denial of myself on beLIEving I was done with looking at porn... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest towards equality and oneness... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to control me ....

later

Self-dishonesty last night...

I got a call from this older lady, who is somewhat of a friend... I met her through her daughter... The daughter of her is still somewhat of a friend of mine... She asked me why I haven't seen her in awhile... She said she also missed me... I said I don't know why I haven't seen you in awhile... I've just really been hanging out with my one friend "D." Which, I really could care less if, I see her and I said back that I miss her too... Which is a complete utter lie... I mean she's a nice lady, but she's a big time alcoholic and can be quite annoying and repeats the same stuff over and over again and again... So, back to the story... She asked me if, I'd like to come and see her... I said sure and I'll be there in a little bit... Which, was another lie... I didn't want to go and see her... Because I know she's just going to annoy the fuck out of me... Plus, I knew she was going to want me to drink with her... I'm trying to cut down on my drinking... So, that was another big reason why I didn't want to see her... And if, I wouldn't drink with her she'd be bugging me the whole time... Trying to get me to drink and basically calling me a pussy... So, I did what every other dishonest person would do and just drink along with her and act like I want to be there... I put on my mask to try and act like everythings okay and what not... I even ended up smoking pot with her b/f "J." I was dishonest once again... She was like how I imagined she'd be... She was annoying drunk, dumbfounded, and using foul language the whole time... lol I have nothing against people cussing really, but it just got a little bit annoying... Besides all of that nonsense, I actually had a good time... I stayed and drank with them for a good 2 and half hours... I drank very slowly... I didn't want to get buzzed... The only really bad point that happened was, when she told me the one cat had kittens and the kittens ended up all dying... Since, they never knew she was pregnant and kept the kittens in their closet... So, they would shut the door on them, unknowingly... Which, would cause the kittens to starve to death and become completely dehydrated... So, that made me a bit sad... She kept bringing that story up too... Saying how bad she felt and blah blah blah.... Anyways it was an okay night overall... I get along with her b.f pretty good... So, that was me being dishonest again...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to my friend "S." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel obligated to go and see her... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest towards her... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave differently around her... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel obligated to drink and smoke pot... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself by getting annoyed by her... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see her and inferior to me... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dishonest towards myself... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terrible for their cat that lost all of her kittens... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for the dead kittens...