I'm upset with myself...

I feel like I'm not in it for standing up for life... I keep on making excuses and keep feeling sorry for myself... I have lots of anger in myself, I realized that from watching my favorite team lose tonight in the NCAA basketball tournament... It made me think do I want to step up to the plate and apply self-forgiveness 24/7 or just do it when I feel like it... I think I don't want to give up my life of wants and needs and emotional drama... I seem to feed off of my own emotions and this leads to distress many times... I feel like I'm failing miserably and that it's just my obligation to stand up for life, because I have to... I haven't really taken this process seriously and I'm sick of that... I'm tired of going back to the same old bull shit life... That I have already lived out many times... That is looking at porn almost every day now... Getting upset over stupid shit and even getting pissed off over stupid basketball games, that meaning nothing to "life." I'm not standing up for life or myself... I'm repeating the same old cycles of abuse towards myself... I know I'm sounding like a broken record now, but it's true... I'm a broken person... I wonder why should I stand up for myself and everyone else... If, many people out there are not going to stand up for life... I feel like this shit will never work... I am so frustrated with my life and myself... I feel like a complete failure and I feel like just ending my life... Yet, I know that would be the most ridiculous thing to do... It would be a stupid cop out... I keep trying to get the next fix to make myself feel good... I keep living in fear, anxiety, anger and what not... I look for something to make me happy instead of applying myself in every moment...